


I Know It's Too Late

by thedeviltohisangel



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:01:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23742712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedeviltohisangel/pseuds/thedeviltohisangel
Summary: There was something good about being with Jay. About being with Jay again. It was different than the good that was falling in love with him in the desert. That had been necessary for survival. It hadn’t been soft or romantic but raw. Like it was the most fundamental pieces of them that were coming together.
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	1. One

There was something good about being with Jay. About being with Jay again. It was different than the good that was falling in love with him in the desert. That had been necessary for survival. It hadn’t been soft or romantic but raw. Like it was the most fundamental pieces of them that were coming together. 

She thinks that was why it didn’t work once they had returned home. There was less adrenaline and more time to be alone with their thoughts. It was hard enough as individuals to find a place back in society but as a pair it proved impossible. The shared experiences that had brought them together were ultimately what drove them apart.

Meg had heard that Chicago could be compared to a warzone. But she didn’t think she would ever be in the middle of it. She had taken the paramedic job as a way to escape. As a way to chase those happiest moments that she had had overseas. It was like an addict chasing their high. But she didn’t expect hers to come this close to killing her.

She and her partner had been called to an apartment where the person on the line suspected an overdose. Her neighbor was unconscious on the floor when she opened the door to leave and go grocery shopping. It was after Meg used the first dose of NARCAN that the shot rang out and the bullet whizzed above her head.

“Shit!” she cursed as she took a second to understand her surroundings. There was an open door a few feet away and that was the only semblance of cover she could see. “On my count, stay low and help me drag him over there.” Another shot rang out but Meg didn’t see the bullet this time. She counted to three before her partner lifted the patients feet while she dragged his torso towards the open apartment door.

“PD is on their way. Not sure how we get this guy out before the guy with the gun gets out,” her partner huffed. Meg peered out into the hallway but it was empty. The person pulling the trigger was behind one of the apartment doors. 

“Well he should be waking up soon-” True to word, the man lying on the floor began to stir. “Sir, we are with the Chicago Fire Department. You overdosed on opioids and we administered NARCAN but recommend you go to the hospital for further treatment.” Meg had seen someone going through withdrawal before. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

“I don’t need no fucking hosptal.” She moved backwards slightly as he began to appear agitated. There was then the sound of footsteps in the hallway then a door crashing down. “You called the police?” Before she could even answer, he was now pointing a gun at her.

“One of your neighbors took a shot at us. We didn’t think we had a choice if we wanted to get you out,” she said with her hands up.

“The police aren’t here for you, man. No need for that.” It was then that Meg heard the absolute last voice that she was expecting to.

“Chicago PD. Put the gun down and lets talk, Aidan.” Jay Halstead. She wanted to turn around and make sure her ears weren’t betraying her but she was scared to. What would she do if it was him? That almost seemed like the harder task than getting the gun out of her face.

“I’m not talking. How about I shoot her instead?” To be fair, it was not the first time she had a gun pressed to her skin. But it was the first time since she had become a mother. So it felt a little bit different than it had last time. She could feel the air stiffen around her as everyone in the room adjusted to the change in circumstance.

“Safety’s on,” Meg muttered as she took a second to focus. It wasn’t a bluff or attempt to distract him. He had actually left his safety on. 

“What-” He pulled the gun from her in order to see if she was telling the truth, a look of confusion on his face, which she used as her opportunity to give him a piece of her mind. She swung her legs into his knees, which buckled, causing the gun to drop from his hand into her waiting one. When she turned to hand it to the cop behind her, she had forgotten her suspicion as to who it was.

“Meg?” 

“Jay.” It came out in a breath. Saying his name was as natural as breathing. It settled in her chest like it was meant to and warmed her from the inside out.

“What are you doing here?” He relaxed his stance as other cops swarmed into the room and put handcuffs around the man on the floor and her partner got taken outside to be looked at for injuries.

“Well, I got called here,” she said while motioning to her uniform like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He rolled his eyes.

“Sure. But why Chicago? Why now?”

“Why now? Is it a bad time?” He made it sound like something was going on in his life that her being here would complicate. Like she was doing this all on purpose.

“Just wasn’t expecting to see you again is all,” he said quietly as he offered his hand for the gun she was still holding.

“Yeah. Me neither.” She held his gaze as long as she could before someone called his name out in the hallway.

“Wait here. I’ll walk you down to get checked out.” Jay couldn’t stop himself. His hand moved without his knowledge and tucked some hair behind her ear before he pulled back like he had been burned. And it had felt like fire against her skin as well. White hot intensity that still lingered even after his hand was gone.

“I’m happy I was wrong,” she whispered in reference to their statements that they didn’t think they would see each other again.

“That’s a first,” he replied with a smirk. His conversation with Voight was quick, the sargeant noticing his detective’s eye drifting to the new paramedic in the other room more often than it was focusing on him.

“There something I need to be looped in on?” Jay was one of his best, a leader of the Intelligence Unit. If his mind was going to be elsewhere, Hank needed to know.

“We served together. Haven’t seen her in awhile is all.” Hank knew that wasn’t all, Jay knew that wasn’t all. But it was easier than trying to explain the history between the two. His relationship with Meg was tucked away with the rest of his stories and feelings from his time with the Rangers. Maybe one day.

They walked slowly and silently out of the apartment building and to the back of an ambulance so Meg could get her clean bill of health before returning back to her station. “That was smart what you did back there. With the safety being on,” Jay said as she took a seat on the bumper and he leaned next to her.

“Thanks. It all just comes back to me sometimes, you know? Like I never left and am still in it.” Jay nodded because he knew. And it was nice to hear someone say it out loud so he didn’t have to. Nice to know someone knew what he was going through without words. Nice to just be with Meg again. “You’re giving me that look, stop it,” she said as the paramedic took her vitals.

“The one where I ask if you want to get dinner with me tomorrow night?” he replied with a smirk.

“Good one. But I need at least a couple of days to get a babysitter.” That furrowed his brow.

“Babysitter?”

“Yeah. A lot has changed since the last time I saw you. Becoming a mother is the biggest one but also the best one.” 

“You’re a mom, wow,” Jay said with a smile. “I bet you’re the fucking best one ever too.” There had been a time when he thought he would be the one to make her a mother.

“I try. Her dad is a piece of shit so I just need a bit more leeway on dinner but I’ll make it happen.”

“Okay. You let me know when you’re ready.” Something stirred at the idea that the father of her child was less than perfect but it wasn’t his place. He had a lot of questions but asking them wasn’t his place. Jay couldn’t just jump right back in and pretend everything was normal and always had been. There was a reason they weren’t together anymore.

“I will, Detective. Be safe until I see you again.” Meg was genuine with her words. 

“You do the same.” Last time Jay had watched her walk away from him, his heart shattered into a million pieces. This time, it felt like everything was coming back together. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m here. You have me. You can come up for air. You can breathe again.” Because she knew his tears weren’t because he was sad or even because he was happy. They were because he was tired. Tired of looking one way and feeling another. Tired of no one being able to see what was going on underneath it all. Tired of knowing that it will never be different.

“Of all the people in this entire city…”

“I know, I know, I pick the one I’ve already broken up with.” Meg was trying to concentrate on her eyeliner but her friend Leila was making it near impossible. “Therapist did say I might find myself seeking comfort in old habits.” 

“I just get nervous. You loved him so hard last time and it didn’t work. And you have Aria now.” The baby in question gurgled with a smile. 

“I’ve already lost sleep over how careful I have to be. Lost sleep over whether or not dating is even an appropriate thing to do. But it’s not a date. It’s just dinner. I am not going to assume anything.” She paced back into the bathroom and fluffed her hair one last time before she felt like she was ready to face the outside world. “Let me cry saying goodbye before you give me a final lookover.” Meg cradled her daughter against her chest and peppered the top of her head with kisses.

“Thank you for trusting me to watch her.” After everything that had happened with her ex, Meg had closed ranks on who was in her life and in her daughter’s. For her to trust Leila with watching her was a big deal. 

“Thanks for being a good friend through everything that is happening.” She projected all of her love through her touches into her daughter so she would know that even when she was not there, she loved her more than anything. “I’ll be back before you even know it. I love you, my sweet girl.” Reluctantly, she handed Aria back to her friend and then squared her shoulders in anticipation of the final once over.

“I think you look hot. Like you got some mojo flowing through you.”

“Perfect. Have I kept him waiting long enough?” Leila had told her that going outside as soon as he texted he was here was not the right move. That she should let him squirm a little.

“You should be good. Be safe tonight but most importantly, don’t worry about us and have fun.” Meg had been spending the past few months with more stress in her body than she knew what to do with. This night was one she needed and well overdo.

“I promise I will try my best. Love you, Ari and thanks again, Lei!” She shut the door behind her and felt empty. Standing by herself in the hallway with no equipment bag or armor or stroller to push. For so long she had been living in relation to others. It felt odd to be living for herself.

“You look beautiful.” And she hated that seeing Jay and hearing his voice made her feel right again. Hated that she had such a power over her. That she still loved him with all she had.

“Thanks. Sorry I took a minute. Saying goodbye to my daughter is never easy.” He opened his truck door for her and quickly went to his side.

“I always pictured you with a daughter. What’s her name?”

“Aria. I am so wrapped around her finger and it’s not even been a full year yet.” She couldn’t help but smile at the mere mention of her daughter. And it was infectious, Jay smiling too. “I know I dropped quite the bomb on you yesterday.”

“You just being there was enough. Let alone that you’re a mom now.” She had always been a known in his life. Steady and sure and always there. Then she wasn’t and now she was. It was hard to wrap his mind around.

“I thought about looking you up so many times. I just never had the courage.” Meg hadn’t wanted to be confronted with the choice of continuing to live without him or going to be with him. At her lowest points, it was Jay she dreamed about. But running felt like quitting and quitting felt like weakness.

“Will’s here, my dad is here. It felt like the right thing to do after so long away.” She knew his dad was a sore subject. Was surprised he brought him up at all.

“Sometimes what is familiar is what we seek after trauma.” It was rich coming from her and she knew that. That was exactly what she was doing. Albeit unintentionally but it was exactly what was happening. He chuckled at her words.

“You sound like you have to repeat what your shrink told you or you won’t believe it.”

“I have a thick skull, you know that. Things need to be said repeatedly or they won’t penetrate.”

“You remember when you first got there and that mortar hit right by your bunk?” She would never forget. A green, rookie soldier on her first deployment. The impact of that hit had shook her to the core but she never shook again. “Everyone had a bit of ringing in their ears but you were good. You said you had a thick skull.”

“It’s hard to think about the first day...first few days. The last time I felt clean,” she whispered as she looked out the window. 

“Hey, come back.” Jay reached for her hand on her lap and she let him take it, both of them squeezing tightly one their fingers were woven together. “You don’t have to be ashamed of what you did over there or the effect it is having on you now.” It was the opposite of the words her ex had been saying to her. Telling her she was messed up in the head. That she needed to handle herself better. That she would never be right again and he couldn’t deal with it. Didn’t want their daughter around it.

“I missed the way you always knew what I needed to hear.” He put the truck into park as they reached their final destination and did his best to hold her against his chest with the console between them.

“You got me now, Meg. You’re the only one who could possibly understand what I went through over there. What I’m going through by coming back here. I know things have changed and we aren’t the same people we were before but…”

“One day at a time,” she said to him softly. Her hand came to cradle his cheek and his skin felt like a salve against her own. His forehead knocked against hers and he closed his eyes. He made no move to kiss her. Just two people enjoying the closeness of the one they love and hope to love again.

“I’d move an inch at a time if I knew it’d mean you’d be by my side.”

“I’m here, Jay, I’m here.” And maybe this was what healing looked like.

  
  
  


“So tell me more about Officer Halstead.”

“It’s Detective actually,” he said with a smirk as he wiped the corner of his mouth with a napkin. 

“My apologies, Detective.” It made sense and it didn’t at the same time that Jay had gone and become a cop. It was believable because he had always had a strong sense of what was right and what was wrong. Had always wanted to help the incident. Always wanted to protect. But holding a gun and running into buildings felt like an extension of what he had done overseas. Meg couldn’t judge for not completely putting it away as she was doing exactly the same thing. She had thought Jay’s conviction was stronger than hers. That his need to put the past behind him would translate into reality.

“You got your thinking face on,” he said in a teasing tone but a question was mixed in there.

“Just thinking how we both got out physically but not in reality. How we’re both doing what we were just in a different uniform.”

“If it makes you feel any better, you look better in those blue pants than you did in the camo.”

“Oh, shut up.” She swatted at him playfully as he had leaned over the table to tell her as if it was a sacred secret. “They don’t design those uniforms for women and you know that.” Meg emphasized her words with a stab of her fork in his direction. 

“I know. I was there when you spoke at that university about it.”

“It was more than just ill fitting t-shirts and long pants.” Jay remembered. He remembered because it was the day he went and bought an engagement ring. He remembered because he had never been more enamored by her. More in love with her than he had watching her speak about something she was passionate about. Watching others look at her in awe and knowing that he was the luck bastard who got to know her. That he really didn’t deserve her but was going to take the leap of faith anyways. And how could he ever forget her not being there when he woke up the next morning? “We should talk about that. Eventually.” Meg wasn’t ready to. Even though it had been bouncing around her nightmares for awhile, she wasn’t ready to admit it was real. Admit to all of the wasted time and heartache.

“If we want this to be...what we tried for last time, then we do. But if you want to just be us then-”

“Jay-”

“-you have a baby now and some guy who may or may not be in your life because of your daughter and I get that and want to be respectful-”

“Jay!” He stopped rambling and just looked at her. “He left, okay? He left because I’m not the same person I was before. Because I’m fucked up in the head and sometimes it makes itself apparent to other people and he hated me for it.”

“Meg-” Jay reached for her and she pulled back.

“I’ve tried to get help. I’ve tried and I’ve tried and I’ve tried and it doesn’t fucking work so if you want things to be the way they were or normal or...or...they won’t be.” She took a few gulps of air and tried to steady herself. The room was beginning to spin and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. “Jay…” She sounded scared to her own ears but he recognized what was happening instantly. Had gone through it himself. Without a word, he threw some money on the table, wrapped her in his jacket and exited the restaurant.

“Deep breaths, okay? You’re here, with me, on a sidewalk in Chicago. You have a daughter and we just ate dinner and we’re okay. You’re okay. You’re safe.” She breathed in time with his words and slowly felt herself return to normal. 

“Thank you.” Meg shouldn’t have been surprised that he was so able to identify what was going on and remedy it. Maybe he had lost control of himself in the same way. Maybe they had been waiting a while to have each as a steadying force again. “It doesn’t happen often but when it does…”

“You never have to explain stuff like that to me. You know I know.” And he wishes he didn’t. Wishes that things were easier. That answering the call didn’t have to take the toll that it did. That he knew a way to protect her from herself.

“I wish you didn’t have to.” It made her feel vulnerable to know that Jay could tell what was going on inside of her head. It was such a wild and twisted place where she had no control. It was her dirty little secret. And having him stand there looking at her, seeing her, in a way she hadn’t been seen since the last time their paths had crossed...it was scary and beautiful and too much all at once. But it felt good and necessary and like the world was coming back into focus. Like keeping her distance had only made everything worse. And coming back was the remedy for the painful echoes in her skull. For the splinters of her old self in her chest. For the tremble in her hands and the visions in her sleep and the darkness in the corners of her soul.

“If I didn’t, then I would be here with you.” He let the words hang between them for a moment as he drank her in. “And this...this never stopped feeling right.” It hurt to know they had spent time apart. Hurt to know she had found someone else and tried to build a life with them. Hurt to know that Jay was born to protect and hadn’t been able to shield the person who meant the most. Because if he was meant to protect everyone, he knows he is only meant to love her.

“When I left, you said that if we found our way back together again you’d never let me leave again.”

“Meg, I’m not gonna stand in your way. Especially with your daughter. But now that I know you’re here, so close and I’ve spent this night feeling the best I ever have...letting you go again would be even harder than the first time.” She kissed him. Kissed him like it was the only way she could continue living. Because she couldn’t find the words and didn’t think they would mean much even if she could. And she felt the tears rolling down his face and knew. Knew that there was no going back. Knew he had been hurting in the same ways she had. Knew that they had been torn apart so she could have her daughter but that they were always meant to find their way back together. That two broken pieces need each other to be whole again.

“I’m here. You have me. You can come up for air. You can breathe again.” Because she knew his tears weren’t because he was sad or even because he was happy. They were because he was tired. Tired of looking one way and feeling another. Tired of no one being able to see what was going on underneath it all. Tired of knowing that it will never be different.

But on that sidewalk on a warm night in Chicago, Jay held her tightly and he knew. Knew he’d be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> let me know if you wish to see more of these two! also posted on tumblr under the same username.


End file.
